via//chicago

Slop From The Pops: UK Pop Charts 01.30.05
we're still in January so there's not a lot of exciting new songs hitting the charts and all that excitement about the 1000th UK number one is over, which means there's really nothing to get all hot and bothered over this week. unless the fact that Wes will no longer be hosting the countdown after this week means a lot to you... anyway, let's take a look and/or listen to what those wacky British were buying this past week.

40. "one night" - elvis presley (last week's position: 20)
39. "the number of the beast" - iron maiden (22)
38. "time is my everything" - ian brown (15)
37. "breathe" - erasure (25)

36. "what a lovely dance" - hal (new entry)
this is pretty bad, very bland Irish lite-rock. at least The Corrs made some catchy pop, this isn’t catchy at all. its all just a lot of attempting to be sweet and meaningful, but really not succeeding at either, instead being rather good at whining about her coming back or not. i’m not sure what this all has to do with having a lovely dance though. isn’t pop music supposed to be upbeat now and then? this just makes me want to slit my wrists – and not only because of the subject matter.

35. "i believe in you" - kylie minogue (30)
34. "you can do it" - ice cube f. mack 10 & ms. toi (23)

33. "ain't nothin' wrong" - houston (new entry)
it seems to be the week for bland new singles, as i’m really just not feeling this one tonight. he’s got a decent enough voice, but this subject matter has been totally covered by R. Kelly years ago (and much better at that). maybe i’d be more impressed if there was anything even remotely exciting about this beat. luckily we’ve got both Ciara and new Ashanti later this week to redeem the American r & b scene.

32. "the journey/don't stop knocking down the walls" - amsterdam/ricky (new entry)
we get the Ricky side of this double a-side single, and i’m already wishing we’d have gotten the other side. because it can’t possibly be as horrible as this is, really. his voice is god-awful, how are people like this still getting recording contracts? once you get past his voice, it doesn’t get any better as its just by-the-numbers AOR pop music. blech, next.

31. "live twice" - darius (19)
30. "if there's any justice" - lemar (24)
29. "what you waiting for" - gwen stefani (17)
28. "strings of life" - soul central f. kathy brown (13)
27. "against all odds" - steve brookstein (12)
26. "object of my desire" - dana rayne (16)
25. "tumble and fall" - feeder (5)
24. "filthy/gorgeous" - scissor sisters (18)

23. "attention" - commander tom (new entry)
a german dj, for some reason i’m thinking this isn’t going to be my favorite track of the week before i’ve even heard it. well, about a minute in to it now and i have to say that my gut instinct was correct. it’s not horribly bad, as it’s a little faster and feels a bit more rugged than your average dance chart his, but it’s still lacking any sort of real excitement. the part where it tones down to just the drumbeat and the cranky sound effects is kinda cool, but then the chick singing about “attention” kicks in and reminds me that this isn’t very good.

22. "take me away" - stonebridge f. therese (9)

21. "the shouty track" - lemon jelly (new entry)
this is the best new entry i’ve heard this week, but with this crop that’s surely not saying very much - its almost like saying this is my favorite pile of cat shit on the floor. this is pretty decent big-beat sort of techno thing that i thought was pretty much dead by now. it’s not as good as Fatboy Slim at his best or anything, but it’s tolerable. the underwater drum effect thing about halfway through is kinda cool, and makes the transition back to the main beat a little more interesting. but by the end, the handclaps and monotonous guitar line get a tad bit annoying, not sure exactly what made this deserve the “shouty” title as it certainly doesn't make me want to shout. except maybe at my computer speakers.

20. "a fool such as i" - elvis presley (2)

19. "strange love" - phixx (new entry)
i was hoping this would be a Depeche Mode cover by some new retro-rock dark guitar band, but no it’s a horrid boy band type thing. Phixx is a pretty cool name for a band, isn’t it? but much like all the cool names it’s been wasted on a shit band. yeah, basically this might be what the Backstreet Boys would sound like if they were still releasing records at the rate they were back in the late 1990’s and they’d run out of decent songwriters and producers to work with. in other words, this wouldn’t even have made the cut as one of their songs. it really is that bad. i’m getting quite disappointed in the new entries this week, nothing is really exciting me in the least.

18. "somebody told me" - the killers (7)
17. "numb/encore" - jay-z/linkin park (14)
16. "staring at the sun" - rooster (10)

15. "destroy rock and roll" - mylo (new entry)
this kicks off with an awesome sample from some religious speaker calling for the destruction of rock and roll, listing off all the artists he thinks are offensive. actually, i shouldn't say "kicks off" because that's pretty much the entire concept behind the song. which may sound awful, but it actually kinda works. the chorus (i use that term loosely) comes in when the voice keeps repeating “Duran Duran / Missing Persons” over and over again. it’s really pretty simple, but an entertaining track nonetheless. i’m surprised its taken this long for someone to do this kind of thing - sampling a wacko right-wing guy for the greater good of music. heh.

14. "boulevard of broken dreams" - green day (11)
13. "out of touch" - uniting nations (8)
12. "breathe in" - lucie silvas (6)

11. "la la" - ashlee simpson (new entry)
oh god, please make it stop. please, before my ears start to bleed. i can’t believe anyone ever thought this was a good idea for a song, “you make me wanna la la” has got to be the single worst lyric ever written in the history of pop music. someday archaeologists are going to unearth this song and pinpoint it as the beginning of the decline of Western civilization. i’m not even going to get into the part about her having no talent and not being deserving of a record contract in the least. this song pretty much sums up everything I hate about pop music at times.

10. "penny and me" - hanson (new entry)
so the absolute horror of Ashlee is somewhat redeemed by this song, because it’s really not a bad pop tune in the least. yeah, i’m surprised as you are that Hanson is still recording and releasing new music - even more surprised that it’s not completely awful. it’s a decent little song about riding around with the special girl and enjoying those little moments that keep life interesting. a lot of bands could have fumbled a song like this pretty badly, but the brothers Hanson keep it simple and pretty peppy as it should be. no trying to turn this into a depressing song about losing Penny, just a moment of appreciation for the simple things. i kinda have to respect Hanson for that, as much as it pains me to admit liking one of their songs.

9. "hey now (mean muggin') - xzibit (new entry)
AKA that dude from Pimp My Ride. X to the Z has always been one of those second rate rappers that stayed in people’s minds thanks to his associations with the big names like Snoop and Dre. i’ve never really thought much of his vocal skills, he’s not bad in a guest spot but not too good at carrying a track on his own. this isn’t too bad though, mostly because Timbaland has provided one of his trademark hot beats for Xzibit to flow over. stuttered drums and all sorts of clicky sound effects keep this pretty interesting. this is definitely my favorite Xzibit song ever, but that’s really not saying too much.

8. "do this do that" - freefaller (new entry)
so this is a debut single by another British pop-punk band in the vein of Busted and McFly. it’s your typical rebellious teen single about not wanting to follow the rules and just wanting to rock with baggy pants and the Marshall amp turned to 10. it’s actually not too bad, i like it better than the aforementioned Busted or McFly. the only problem is that the vocals are mixed way too high, making it sound more like a boy band tune than the ROCK song it should be. as far as these things go, it’s not bad.

7. "wires" - athlete (4)

6. "shine" - lovefreekz (new entry)
this is the latest in that trend of reworking old classic rock tunes into new dancefloor fodder, ala the Elvis “A Little Less Conversation” from Junkie XL a couple years ago. except that this time the original artist being sampled is ELO, which is totally fucking awesome in and of itself. i mean, of all the classic rock artists you could rework today would you really pick ELO as your first choice? but beyond the brilliant choice of source material this makes for one semi-interesting listen, but I don’t see it being very exciting for any repeats.

5. "galvanize" - chemical brothers (3)

4. "grief never grows old" - one world project (new entry)
i really can’t be too cruel to this one, as it’s a charity single for the victims of the tsunami in Southeast Asia. it really is truly horrible however, so i hope they aren’t counting on this single to raise a lot of money. it’s basically a bunch of really old guys getting together to croon a lot of schmaltz about grief over a waltz-like dirge. some nice harmonizing by Brian Wilson and the brothers Gibb, but that’s really the only positive thing I can find to say about it. seriously, this makes “We Are the World” look like one of the best songs ever written. good cause and all, but folks – don’t waste your money on this, instead donate directly to one of the many charitable organizations out there that won’t force you to listen to this crap first.

3. "goodies" - ciara (1)

2. "only u" - ashanti (new entry)
the intro to this song is fucking awesome, with the fuzzed out guitar dropping into the beat, it is moments like this that completely redeem modern pop from the pretenders like Ashlee. the beat for this one is pretty hot too, although I’m not sure who it’s done by – i’ll have to do a little research. i really like Ashanti’s voice, far more than the vast majority of female r & b singers out right now, but I have to admit that “Goodies” is a much hotter track. this one starts off really strong, but just sort of hits a plateau and stays that way for the rest of the song. a few more hooks or changes would have been nice.

1. "it's now or never" - elvis presley (new entry)
so Elvis has gotten back to number one after a week’s hiatus, this time with a mid-tempo shuffle. i swear the backing music for this one came from one of the presets on my old Casio SK-5 from back in the day, because it really is generic and horrible. i suppose this is the point where i start getting sick of these Elvis reissues, and we’ve only got 14 more to go! i’m glad it wasn’t that horrid tsunami track at number one though, i would have liked to have seen Ciara stay up here again.