via//chicago

Slop From The Pops: UK Pop Chart 01.16.05
bit of a big countdown this week, as we get to find out just what will be the 1000th UK Number One of all time. aren't you just quivering with excitement? me neither, but let's get on with it anyway...

40. "i'll stand by you" - girls aloud (last week's position: 22)
39. "evil" - interpol (18)
38. "confessions pt. ii/my boo" - usher (26)
37. "pow! forward" - lethal bizzle (23)

36. "strip" - pink grease (new entry)
this really makes me hopeful for this week, assuming that every new entry is as exciting as this one. i'm sure that won't be the case though, so i'll just enjoy this while i can. this fits right in with the retro-wave thing going on right now ala The Killers and such, but this is better than i'd expect it to be. i really like the dirty synth line that does nothing but accentuate the sexual lyrics. nice start to the week's chart.

35. "call on me" - eric prydz (24)
34. "unwritten" - natasha bedingfield (21)

33. "searching" - jamie scott (new entry)
and my excitement about the new entrys is killed just as quickly as it came. no need to send out for Scotland Yard, however, as the culprit is right here at number 33. this is a simple (read: boring) little ballad driven by a piano and repetitive guitar line about a guy playing "a six string for a livin" and "searchin' for that vibe". which i would totally buy if i could even be convinced that this dude has ever even played three consecutive chords on a guitar. i could be wrong and he could be some virtuoso, but it's all about the cred maaaaan. and here, i just ain't feelin' it.

32. "coming down/when you sleep" - longview (new entry)
this first stikes me as an even more British-sounding Coldplay (is that possible?) with a much more daring guitar player. and when i say more daring than Coldplay that still isn't saying much, its a lot like saying that green beans are the more exciting vegetable when compared with lima beans. greens aside, there is really nothing amazingly special about this song. several times there are some new sonic twists and it sounds like the song is about to take off into more interesting territory, but it ends up quickly returning to the same lethargy found in too many British bands in this post-"Yellow" landscape.

31. "do they know its Christmas?" - band aid 20 (6)
30. "father and son" - ronan keating f. yusuf islam (13)
29. "tilt ya head back" - nelly & christina aguilera (19)

28. "when the dawn breaks" - narcotic thrust (new entry)
another standard dance track, but at least its not ripping off some '80s AOR tune so it at least gets point for that. no points, however, for the sublimely average beat and craptacular lyrics. if this is supposed to pass for "meaningful" in dance music, then its no wonder i don't get much of it. sure, its all about "having fun" and i'm all for having fun... but for me, "fun" music has interesting beats and lyrics that don't make me want to bleed profusely from the ears.

27. "cutt off" - kasabian (8)

26. "no more" - roni size f. beverley knight (new entry)
alright, now here is some dance-oriented music that i can actually enjoy, although i could certainly do without the vocalist. the beat is somewhat standard for drum-and-bass circa 1997, but it still excites me twenty times more than any other dance track i've heard on the charts this year. i've always been a fan of Roni Size, particularly that "Brown Paper Bag" track with the really kick-ass video. anyway, as this goes on i am definitely wishing this were an instrumental. the rap about 2/3rds of the way through threatens to make me like the vocals, but i'll be damned if Ms. Knight isn't there in the background to remind me how much she's bringing this track down.

25. "drop it like its hot" - snoop dogg f. pharrell williams (20)

24. "four kicks" - kings of leon (new entry)
i like this a lot, but then i'm a sucker for pretty much any variety of southern rock with a groove. and there certainly is a good groove on this one, much more so than on the singles from the previous KoL album as those all came out a little more muddled than i would like. this new found confidence really seems to help the band out, as does this kick-ass guitar solo right here. lyrically, this sounds like we're talking about a rumble with the boys singing about a "switchblade posse" and gettin' the guns. this makes me excited for the domestic release of Aha Shake Heartbreak.

23. "i believe in you" - kylie minogue (11)

22. "pornography" - client (new entry)
this is a pretty cool electro tune right here, which is the first i'm hearing of Client. "you and me / monogamy / just you and me / pornography", pretty great lyrics if you ask me. seriously, dumb lyrics like this work when a track isn't trying to take itself so seriously. my favorite part if the interplay between the male and female vocals, which ratchets up the level of sexiness on this song. i'm liking a lot.

21. "if there's any justice" - lemar (14)

20. "breakin" - the music (new entry)
ok, let me just say that i'm liking the amount of rock music on this week's chart. does this portend good things to come for 2005? not that this song is something really special, but its much better than another dance track from someone we won't remember next month. i can't put my finger on just what it is that annoys me about this song, but i'm leaning towards those "oh-Oh-oh-Oh-oh-Oh"s running around in the background. there is a decent little drum breakdown towards the finish, but it just gets ruined by some vocal gymnastics by a monkey on helium. in the end this is just more of the same from one of the most pretentiously named bands of all time.

19. "you can do it" - ice cube f. mack 10 & ms. toi (15)

18. "through the glass" - thirteen senses (new entry)
more rock action here, although that may be overstating the case as there certainly isn't much rock going on with this song. it's somewhat like Keane trying harder to sound like an actual band, with a real guitar solo and all! overall its just another barely passable attempt at radio ready rock version 2005. i'm not sure whether i like this or the Longview track better, i'm leaning towards the latter although i think i should be thinking of it as which one i dislike the least. still i shouldn't complain, as it could have been "My Beat My Heart DJ 2005" by the Urban Dance Hunger Squad Hooligans or some shit.

17. "numb/encore" - jay-z/linkin park (16)

16. "serious" - pop (new entry)
can't get much more blatant with your musical goals than by naming your group Pop can you? it's a bit like naming your rock band The Music, eh? this is really generic co-ed dance pop straight out of florida 1998 here, trying to make someting interesting out of funk-lite guitar and chimes but failing miserably. the vocals are much less than inspiring, come on guys... at least natasha bedingfield TRIES. i just find it hard to believe that there is still a market for this kind of thing in 2005. next.

15. "what you waiting for?" - gwen stefani (12)
14. "breathe" - erasure (4)
13. "boulevard of broken dreams" - green day (9)
12. "filthy/gorgeous" - scissor sisters (5)
11. "object of my desire" - dana rayne (7)
10. "jailhouse rock" - elvis presley (1)
9. "out of touch" - uniting nations (10)
8. "the number of the beast" - iron maiden (3)

7. "live twice" - darius (new entry)
this Pop Idol winner shits out a ballad by numbers here, nothing really even worth commenting on. i'll just say that if you are the type of person that thinks Clay Aiken is a wonderful artist, then you just might like this. next.

6. "strings of life" - soul central f. kathy brown (new entry)
i'm really starting to run out of things to say when these bland dance tunes come on, but really they do next to nothing for me. i'm not a rockist or pop-hater by any means, i just don't get the love for these songs. there must be some sort of dance chart hit cookbook over in the UK:

(1) generic bassline
(2) alternating synth lines
(1) combination of: chimes/bells/bleeps/blips/blops
(1) high-pitched vocalist
add water, stir, voila! you now have a top 40 dance hit!

5. "staring at the sun" - rooster (new entry)
remember when U2 had a single about staring at the sun? remember how it was pretty good? well this is nothing like that, instead it's pure crap. i'd not heard of Rooster before now, so i held hopes of them being a decent rock band. little did i know that this is Busted after having spent the '90s listening to the Black Crowes rather than Green Day. they shout out the chorus over a string section trying to sound IMPORTANT, but instead end up sounding IMPOTENT. trust me fellas, there is a difference. a huge one.

4. "against all odds" - steve brookstein (2)

3. "somebody told me" - the killers (new entry)
this is, of course, a fucking wonderful song. i fail to understand how anybody could NOT enjoy this track, this failure would be followed quickly by me checking for signs of a pulse. sure, this is nothing groundbreaking, but come on - that riff! those synths!! that chorus!!! this is fun times twelve point three right here and a pop song that i've not tired of even after hundreds of listens, always a very good sign.

2. "empty souls" - manic street preachers (new entry)
i've not listened to anything by the manics since college, so i'm not at all sure what to expect with this one. it's not really striking me as anything special musically, but the manics were always all about the words, right? except i'm not really feeling those this time either. "falling like the twin towers / falling like april showers", that just sounds like they're trying too hard to reach epic status with this one. and its just plain too short to build up that kind of dramatic tension, unless of course this version is seriously edited down for length. if this was the first i had ever heard of the band, i'd really be scratching my head over what all the fuss was.

1. "one night" - elvis presley (new entry)
here we go with the second consecutive Elvis number one, and this one isn't so bad. we're still close to the early, more rockin' King back when he could even add a hint of excitement to his ballads. this sounds like one of those songs you'd want to hear while staring into the bottom of a beer glass at 3 a.m. as you watch everyone else head off with someone as you sit at the bar alone. which pretty much means that i like it, as there's really quite nothing like a good crying-in-the-beer song. does this mean we get to blame Elvis for emo? like it or not folks, this is your 1000th UK number one hit of all time.